First, you can always speak to a therapist or contact me if you have the money or inclination. I’m using the word therapist in a looser manner than it’s commonly applied. If you have what you perceive to be a personal finance problem, I’d suggest using as your therapist a fee-only financial planner (one who charges by the hour rather than taking a commission on sales) with whom you feel some rapport.

If you perceive your problem to be business related, I’d look for a small-business consultant to be your therapist, finding one through the chamber of commerce, the nearest SBA office, your state’s small-business development center, the local office of the Service Corps of

Retired Executives (SCORE), or your trade association. If you perceive you have a career problem, you can ask your professional team if they can recommend any career counselors to serve as your therapist. If they don’t know of any candidates, contact the career and placement offices at the largest local college and ask for names.

Second, if you have the time you could also start writing about your problems in a journal. Writing about issues often provides sufficient distance to see things clearly. Take out a legal pad or notebook and begin describing your situation. Write down your fears and worries, as well as your goals and dreams. Describe what you think will happen if you fail and what you believe will happen if you succeed. Then, put the pad or notebook away for at least twenty-four hours. After a day’s reflection, read what you’d written. Does it make sense? Do your fears accurately reflect reality, or are they exaggerated? Viewed objectively, on the page, does it seem that you’re focusing on the right problem?

It’s obvious I don’t think it’s always necessary to speak with a therapist or someone like me. And, unless you have a rare gift for self-analysis, even months of journal writing might not lead to a breakthrough. That’s why I think the third technique is the best way for you to uncover your true problems: find yourself some problem mentors. Actually, you probably already have them, and you simply need to start using them more often.

Don’t you ask your spouse or a sibling for advice on dealing with your mother? Haven’t you gone to a friend for suggestions on a problem you’re having with your wife or husband? “When you were thinking about buying a home, didn’t you ask your parents for their opinions? Do you have a group of coworkers you rely on for help in navigating office politics? Are you often calling your mentors for suggestions about career directions? Before you make business decisions do you speak with your partner, lawyer, accountant, or your friend who runs a similar operation?

Obviously the answer to all these questions is yes. We each have an entire network of people we go to for help with our personal and business problems. Generally, however, we only turn to them for help in making decisions. My suggestion is that you turn to your network of problem mentors much earlier. Rather than asking them for opinions on how to solve your problem, ask them for opinions on what really is your problem. And listen closely. They are invariably right.

Problem mentors can uncover true problems so effectively because they have a fresh, unbiased perspective on your problem. Problem mentors can discriminate among your problems. None of your problems are right in front of them, so they’re not going to automatically lock onto whatever problem is most obvious. Since they’re not bringing the same emotional or psychological baggage to the issue as you are, they’re going to be able to tell whether a problem is real or imagined, important or minor. Since it’s your problem, not their own, their perceptions of your problem won’t be influenced by your patterns of behavior and thought.

The next time you feel you have a problem, turn to someone who knows you and whose opinion you trust. Tell her the facts. Explain what you’re feeling. And then ask her what she thinks your problem is. If she agrees with your analysis, that’s great. If she doesn’t, listen closely to what she says. She’s probably right. In either case you’ll have figured out your real no.

I need to offer one caveat, however. It can be a mistake to use your spouse or lover as a sounding board for problems with which he or she is also involved. Couples tend to naturally polarize. If one is a neat freak, the other will become a slob. If one is a spendthrift, the other will become a miser. If one is compulsively early, the other will become compulsively late. Obviously, this polarizing needn’t be as extreme as I’ve portrayed it, nor does it need to be consistent (the neat freak in the house could be the slob in the car). Still, it happens to nearly every couple. This can cause difficulties in problem solving. Your partner might not be able to overcome his or her natural tendency toward balancing you and be able to give you an unbiased analysis. That’s why it makes sense for your mate to be one of your business problem mentors, but perhaps not one of your personal problem mentors.