If you’re turned down for a raise, ask your superior why. If a customer won’t buy your product, ask her why. Frame the question as a search for self-improvement, not as an accusation. Don’t even hint at any efforts to turn the no around. Say that you’d be eternally grateful, and that it would be of terrific help in your future efforts, if they would tell you why they chose not to give you a raise, hire you, or buy your product. People who have reacted to facts presented will, after sensing your acceptance of their reaction, meet such a humble request by readily telling you the truth. Remember how effective humility was in establishing trust? Well, it’s just as powerful in ferreting out what is behind the no. Having turned you down once already they’ll be eager to readily comply with your request, if for no other reason than it will help assuage their guilt.

Even people who have responded with an emotional no, will, when prompted in this modest manner, give you a reason for their rejection. Of course, they probably won’t tell you the truth. It would be too embarrassing, or self-incriminating for someone to reveal the emotional basis behind a no. On some level, they know they’re being unjust (ethically or legally) in deciding a business issue emotionally. When prompted for a reason they will be forced to cover up their injustice by offering some factual reason. In effect, by asking for a reason you turn their emotional decision into a reaction to facts. Once they give you a factual reason for their no, they can never safely backtrack and claim it was an emotional decision. All they can do is keep coming up with other factual reasons. And no matter how many reasons they continue to come up with you’ve succeeded in turning their emotional no into a rational no.

By humbly asking why someone said no you’ll be given a reason. When you’re given a reason, or even multiple reasons, for the rejection, you’ve also been handed the key for turning it into an acceptance.

Generally, this is a defensive approach. Your appearance must at least match what the other party expects. If you don’t look the part, you’re signaling, intentionally or not, that you don’t care about industry norms. Iconoclasts may be interesting, but they don’t inspire trust. Of course, the specifics of your appearance depend on your industry and situation. A legal or financial professional or a corporate executive needs to be cloaked in a conservative business suit. Midlevel sales or marketing person or a creative professional can be a bit less staid. A younger sales or marketing person or creative individual is expected to be trendy. The key is to meet expectations. Show up in a three-piece suit for an interview to land a computer graphics assignment and you’ll raise eyebrows as high as if you showed up to meet a legal client wearing a pair of Dr. Martens.

There’s only one instance that I can recall of garb and hygiene actually being used as more than just a defensive measure. Andrew Douglas came to me for help in formulating a promotion request. A structural engineer working for a new automaker, Andrew had been stuck at the same career level for five years. Together we formulated a good plan and then prepared a powerful memo outlining Andrew’s case. Andrew was supremely confident . . . until he made his appointment to speak with his supervisor. Andrew called me in a tizzy. I asked what was wrong and he said that his meeting was set for Friday morning. I said I didn’t understand the problem. He explained that Fridays were dress-down days. Andrew felt like he was facing a catch-22. Dress formally, as he normally would for a business meeting of this importance, and he’d stick out like a sore thumb. Dress informally and his request might not be taken as seriously. After I calmed him down we came up with a solution. Andrew dressed formally but used his out-of-the-norm garb as an icebreaker at the meeting. He started by saying that even though it was a dress-down day he wanted to dress in a manner that reflected his respect and admiration for his superior and the company. At that point, his boss literally rose from his chair, shook Andrew’s hand, and thanked him.

The call came from the owner of a small but very well known television production company. The owner was the widow of the founder of the firm, a much beloved creative genius who unfortunately died quite young. She and her family were continuing the business, and actually doing quite well. Her late husband had successfully institutionalized the creativity that originally came solely from him. A score of talented young people were now continuing his work. The company was using the licensing fees from their early successes as a foundation for new ventures. Sandy had been targeted as just the sort of fresh young person who could fit in with the company. She was offered the spot as director of publicity. Ecstatic, Sandy then telephoned to let me know what was going on and to ask my help in negotiating her salary.

After congratulating her, the first thing I did was get Sandy to slow down. After just a couple of minutes it was clear to me she needed to become much more of an expert on the company that was now pursuing her. Sandy and everyone else knew a great deal about the company’s products, it was true. But its inner workings weren’t as well known.

Sandy began by going to the New York Public Library’s primary business branch and scouring the periodical indexes for mentions of the firm. She spent her next three lunch hours compiling a list of references. At home in the evening she went online and searched the Web for references to the firm. She printed out the results of searches using four different search engines. On Saturday, she went back to the library, pulled the relevant microfiches and bound copies from the stacks, and photocopied them. Returning home, she went back online, downloaded, and then printed the most potentially interesting sites.

On Sunday, rather than spending her day reading the New York Times, she dug through all her public research.

I was surprised when my office telephone rang at 7:30 a.m. on Monday. I was doubly surprised when I picked up and heard a glum Sandy. She told me her research had uncovered a problem. The firm that was courting her had been a recent acquisition target of Sandy’s current company. The details weren’t clear, but apparently the sale was all set to go until the founder suddenly died. At that point the larger corporation, depending on which story you read, either heartlessly backed out of a sealed deal, or wisely decided to renegotiate a still pending sale. Whatever the truth was, there was certainly bad blood between the two firms. That wouldn’t have been such a big deal if Sandy hadn’t also learned from a recent small item in the financial press that the acquisition talks were still going on, albeit with less fanfare. Sandy and I were both concerned that she could take the new job, earning the enmity of her current company, and then be faced with working for them again if the sale actually went through. It seemed like a recipe for getting dismissed in the near future. We agreed that Sandy would call the owner of the smaller firm and ask for a few more days to think about the offer, and then come to my office later in the day so we could strategies.

After going over Sandy’s goals as well as her understandable fears, she and I came up with a plan. She would meet with the president of the small firm, express her excitement about the opportunity, but also state her strong desire for an employment contract. There would be nothing to gain by getting into the details of the battle, so we decided Sandy shouldn’t be overt in demonstrating her information. Instead, we decided to present her contract request as a desire to protect herself in case there was a change in ownership that might not be advantageous to her position. This would make it clear that Sandy was astute enough to know of the struggle, but also politic enough not to raise the issue directly. Those traits, added to her already admired skills and abilities, would make her, we thought, an even more attractive candidate.

We were right. Despite her young age and relatively junior level, Sandy was able to negotiate a three-year contract. We both felt that would be long enough for either the deal to fall through, or for her former employer to get over any animosity. Luckily, we were right once again. After two years the acquisition efforts stopped and the outward acrimony came to an end when a quiet, out-of-court settlement was reached

Ronnie was the thirty-seven-year-old son of one of my connecticut neighbors. He had just taken over the accounting department of a small manufacturing company located in New York’s Hudson Valley. Ronnie had spent ten years at a “big five” accounting firm prior to joining the company. He had been recruited by a schoolmate, whose family were the majority shareholders of the business. The plan was for Ronnie to take over the financial operations of the firm within two years, when his friend was scheduled to take over management. The problem was their plan didn’t take into account the chairman, his friend’s seventy-eight-year-old father.

The older man was willing but not eager to hand over the management reins to his son. However, he was digging in his heels about turning over the purse strings to Ronnie. The more Ronnie told me about the older man, the more it was clear he was deeply proud of his business. Still, his health was failing. He had lost hearing in one ear and was having trouble seeing. But because he was so proud, everyone in the company pretended not to notice. Ronnie and I decided that could be our opportunity. Starting the next week, Ronnie printed out the weekly reports in a larger typeface. When they met together, Ronnie made sure to stand or sit on the side of the older man’s good ear. However, he never said anything about it, nor called any attention to his actions … he just started doing them. After three months the older man had taken to calling Ronnie his “adopted son” and had become the primary advocate of his taking over as chief financial officer

That’s great for those who deal with the same individuals over and over again. When two parties have a long history of mutual respect and cooperation, trust is the natural result. Time is to trust what good soil is to plants. So, it’s relatively easy to turn a no from your spouse, a family member, or a friend into a yes. They’ve known you for a long time and you’ve a history together.

But unfortunately, many, if not most, of today’s business and financial dealings are between two people with little or no history. Generally, the banker you’re approaching for an operating capital loan won’t know you or your business and, in fact, won’t be staying at that branch long enough to get to know you or your business. The supervisor you’re asking for a raise may have only come on board a year ago, or it could be you who just recently joined the team. In today’s business world people move too quickly for trust to develop naturally. Personally, I think that’s why there’s an ever increasing trend toward quantifying every business relationship and deal entirely with numbers and memorializing all of them with formal contracts. You can’t (and probably shouldn’t) accept the word or handshake of someone you’ve never met before. I also think that’s why there are more nos that need to be turned into yeses today than ever before.

Since trust is an essential ingredient in solving problems, and since you can no longer count on it developing naturally in our fast-paced business world, it needs to be intentionally cultivated . . . quickly. I’ve been facing this hurdle ever since I became a legal consultant. In order for me to provide quality service to my clients, I need them to open up to me and feel comfortable enough to discuss what may be very painful, personal issues. That, obviously, requires them to trust me.

I must admit I’ve always had a skill for gaining people’s trust. I think I inherited it from my father, who has always been able to connect with people very quickly. Before I went into private practice, my instinctive abilities at gaining trust were enough to get me through the common business situations I faced. But When I launched my consulting business I knew I’d need to do better. That led me to do an informal study of how to develop trust. I spoke with businesspeople I admired and . . . trusted. I read everything on the subject I could get my hands on, from Benjamin Franklin to Norman Vincent Peale. I tried out techniques on family and friends. Finally, I used the techniques on my earliest clients, refining the devices that worked and discarding those that didn’t. All this research, trial and error, and refinement allowed me to develop a system for creating trust within twenty-four hours of meeting someone.

Try as best you can to set aside your anger and fear over having been terminated. Focus instead on the facts of your situation. You have all the power now, since they have wielded their ultimate weapon and you are still alive. There is nothing more they can do to you. Yet, there’s a lot more you can do to them.

The company wants you to leave as quietly and quickly as possible. Everything they are and will be doing is designed to speed you out the door. Do not read this pressure as being a threat to give you no severance, unless they specifically say it is a take-it-or-leave-it offer. And even if they do that, don’t let it lead you to surrender. Instead, bypass the rest of the problem-solving checklist and move immediately to the appeal process.

Having been told that you’re terminated, you’ll be pushed to immediately agree to a package that’s offered and pack up your office and leave. Refuse to sign anything, saying that you’re in no mental or emotional state to rationally go over the papers being shoved in front of you. Agree to leave only after you have an appointment to speak about the severance package two or three days later.

In the two or three days available to you prior to the next meeting you need to become an expert on the job market. Contact headhunters, peers, employment agencies, industry journalists, and your professional association. Ascertain how long it takes, on average, for someone of your age, experience, and salary to find a new position comparable to the one you’ve left.

Employers will always cite the booming economy as a reason to offer little severance. However, you’re not going to be looking for a job stuffing tacos at Taco Bell; you want an upper-level executive job at PepsiCo’s corporate headquarters. Fairness requires you to get enough severance to keep you afloat long enough to find a comparable job, not just any job.

In addition, if there is any possibility that your termination is tainted by discrimination based on gender, age, disability, sexual orientation, race, religion, marital status, or national origin, add a professional’s expertise to your arsenal. For better or worse, the knowledge that you, as a protected minority, have hired legal counsel to examine the circumstances of your termination will set off alarm bells all over your company’s offices. Your severance package, never etched in stone to begin with, has just become as malleable as water.

If you’re not a member of a protected minority you’ll have to rely on the issue of fairness. Rather than letting your quick job market survey stand on its own, look to create an advocate.

Turn to the person who was your mentor in the company . . . even if she was the one who wielded the ax. Contact her at home, if possible. Explain how you’ve always looked to her as more than just a business mentor. Solidify the bond of personal trust that has developed between you over your tenure at the company. If she was the one who fired you, say that you know that was strictly business. This conversation, on the other hand, is personal. Then, tell her the results of your research, explain that you’ll need more severance to bridge the gap in your employment, and ask her, as a friend, to put in a good word for you.

Personnel offices will do all they can to stick to company policy. Unless some other executive gives them a reason to make a break with policy. Basically, they need to have someone else to blame for the exception they’ll be making. The expertise you’ve acquired, and the prodding from an advocate, should be enough to boost your severance package.

But if you’re still faced with a no, or if you’re originally confronted by a take-it-or-leave-it offer, you’ll need to move up the ladder. Your appeal needs to be in writing, either by letter, fax, or even E-mail, sent to the highest executive in the company you can approach. Don’t feel uncomfortable going over others’ heads . . . what can they do to you? Describe the situation as clearly and concisely as possible, and ask for a reconsideration based on the facts that you’ve uncovered about the job market. State that you know the company would never knowingly act unfairly, and that you hope these new facts will shed light on the matter.

If you want to demonstrate that you care, simply stop suppressing facial expressions. When you’re told something serious, you’ll appear concerned. When you’re told something tragic, you’ll appear sad. And when you’re told something happy, you’ll smile. Smiles are contagious. They are also one of the clearest signals you can give to another human being that you’re interested in them and consider them important. It may sound crazy, but you really can turn your business or career around simply by smiling more, and that’s what happened to Janet Parsons.

An on-air radio personality, Janet came to me for help after being given a negative performance review by the station manager. What was odd was that the negative elements had little to do with her actual performance. Her ratings were good and she came across very well on the air. What the station manager dwelt on, however, was her attitude. When prodded for specific examples, he couldn’t offer any. It was, he said, a feeling he had: she “looked unhappy.” When she told me the story I could see the problem. Janet’s mouth naturally turned down at the corners, making even a blank expression look like a frown. It shouldn’t have had anything to do with her review, and clearly the station manager would have never brought up such an issue with a male employee, but despite the unfairness of the situation, it had to be dealt with.

The solution was simple. While continuing to actively promote her positive performance, Janet began smiling broadly whenever she wasn’t in her private office. She asked a friend on the staff to give her a sign (tugging an earlobe) if she ever let the grin slip. Janet kept that smile plastered on her face when she walked down the hall and when she sat in meetings. Six months later, after changing nothing other than the expression on her face, she went in for another review. The positive change in her attitude, according to the station manager, was nothing less than astounding.