Business Blog 2.0

It really is amazing how ingrained traditional ideas about life planning have become. I’ve had some friends who pride themselves on their nonconformity never even think about whether the goals they’re setting for their lives really make sense. Many simply assume they’ll retire at age sixty-five, without even thinking about whether retirement makes sense for them at all, and if it does, whether age sixty-five is the right time. People who have striven to keep their offsprings’ minds open to every possibility and opportunity automatically assume they should set aside enough tuition money for each of their children to go to private colleges. The struggling adult children of active and affluent seniors come to me with fears about taking care of their parents financially. And middle-aged parents who have already spent hundreds of thousands of dollars helping their children get through college and establish their adult lives bring me their woes about leaving sizable estates.

Most people don’t think about whether their goals make sense. They think these things are expected of them, and they’re worried that they haven’t yet been able to accomplish them. They assume every other parent has set aside enough money for four years of Bennington by the time a child is ten; that all their peers are saving and investing twenty-five percent of their income; that every other baby boomer already has $1 million in a retirement plan by the time they turn fifty; and that above and beyond retirement savings, everyone else is building up a huge estate to pass on to their children.

I don’t want to spend dozens of pages setting out my arguments that retirement is a concept whose time has passed and shouldn’t be a part of your planning, that all you can do for your parents and children is the best you can, and that it’s better to spend your money on yourself and your family while you’re alive than to pass it along in inheritance. If you’re interested you can read my thoughts on these issues in Die Broke. What I think is important is that I stress the foolishness of trying to do more than is possible, and the fallacy of comparing yourself to others.

At some point in your life you must accept the fact that you are not Superman or Wonder Woman. Success in life is measured, not by the size of your pile of chips, but by how well you played the hand you were dealt. You cannot control the economy or your generation’s demographics. At some point you must come to terms with your own limitations. Unless you’re lucky enough to become extremely wealthy, you simply will not be able to retire at sixty-five at the lifestyle you’re used to, pay your child’s entire college tuition bill, support aging parents until they die, and leave a huge estate. Set aside the question of whether or not you should do all these things. The simple truth is you probably won’t be able to do all four of them, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to do three, and if you can do two it will only be after much personal sacrifice. The answer isn’t to throw up your hands and give up; it’s to do the best you can. The only person who expects any more than that is you.

Equally important is that you stop comparing yourself to others. There will always be individuals who are making more money than you . . . and there will always be people who are earning less. Some careers soar like rockets until they either settle into orbit or crash back down to earth. Others are like gliders, rising and falling gently, steering carefully to take advantage of thermals, staying aloft for as long as possible and then coming to a graceful and safe landing. Some businesses are sprinters, exploding out of the blocks and reaching top speed in a few strides. Others are marathoners, slowly building to a steady pace but then sticking to it for mile after mile. Life isn’t about keeping score. It’s not a means to an end. It’s an end in itself.

To turn any rejection around you first need to uncover what led to the no. In a few instances, such as rejections from lending institutions, the law requires that you be given a specific reason. In most other cases you can find out what was behind the no simply by asking.

If you’re turned down for a raise, ask your superior why. If a customer won’t buy your product, ask her why. Frame the question as a search for self-improvement, not as an accusation. Don’t even hint at any efforts to turn the no around. Say that you’d be eternally grateful, and that it would be of terrific help in your future efforts, if they would tell you why they chose not to give you a raise, hire you, or buy your product. People who have reacted to facts presented will, after sensing your acceptance of their reaction, meet such a humble request by readily telling you the truth. Remember how effective humility was in establishing trust? Well, it’s just as powerful in ferreting out what is behind the no. Having turned you down once already they’ll be eager to readily comply with your request, if for no other reason than it will help assuage their guilt.

Even people who have responded with an emotional no, will, when prompted in this modest manner, give you a reason for their rejection. Of course, they probably won’t tell you the truth. It would be too embarrassing, or self-incriminating for someone to reveal the emotional basis behind a no. On some level, they know they’re being unjust (ethically or legally) in deciding a business issue emotionally. When prompted for a reason they will be forced to cover up their injustice by offering some factual reason. In effect, by asking for a reason you turn their emotional decision into a reaction to facts. Once they give you a factual reason for their no, they can never safely backtrack and claim it was an emotional decision. All they can do is keep coming up with other factual reasons. And no matter how many reasons they continue to come up with you’ve succeeded in turning their emotional no into a rational no.

By humbly asking why someone said no you’ll be given a reason. When you’re given a reason, or even multiple reasons, for the rejection, you’ve also been handed the key for turning it into an acceptance.

Every business person knows that in order to make a good impression, he or she must be well dressed and groomed. The same is true if you want to show you care and develop trust.

Generally, this is a defensive approach. Your appearance must at least match what the other party expects. If you don’t look the part, you’re signaling, intentionally or not, that you don’t care about industry norms. Iconoclasts may be interesting, but they don’t inspire trust. Of course, the specifics of your appearance depend on your industry and situation. A legal or financial professional or a corporate executive needs to be cloaked in a conservative business suit. Midlevel sales or marketing person or a creative professional can be a bit less staid. A younger sales or marketing person or creative individual is expected to be trendy. The key is to meet expectations. Show up in a three-piece suit for an interview to land a computer graphics assignment and you’ll raise eyebrows as high as if you showed up to meet a legal client wearing a pair of Dr. Martens.

There’s only one instance that I can recall of garb and hygiene actually being used as more than just a defensive measure. Andrew Douglas came to me for help in formulating a promotion request. A structural engineer working for a new automaker, Andrew had been stuck at the same career level for five years. Together we formulated a good plan and then prepared a powerful memo outlining Andrew’s case. Andrew was supremely confident . . . until he made his appointment to speak with his supervisor. Andrew called me in a tizzy. I asked what was wrong and he said that his meeting was set for Friday morning. I said I didn’t understand the problem. He explained that Fridays were dress-down days. Andrew felt like he was facing a catch-22. Dress formally, as he normally would for a business meeting of this importance, and he’d stick out like a sore thumb. Dress informally and his request might not be taken as seriously. After I calmed him down we came up with a solution. Andrew dressed formally but used his out-of-the-norm garb as an icebreaker at the meeting. He started by saying that even though it was a dress-down day he wanted to dress in a manner that reflected his respect and admiration for his superior and the company. At that point, his boss literally rose from his chair, shook Andrew’s hand, and thanked him.

A psychotherapist is trained to dig behind presenting problems by asking leading questions. I’ve learned to uncover the real no by looking at financial documents and asking pointed questions. But neither therapists nor I try to practice this technique on ourselves. How then can you uncover your own real problems? There are three ways.

First, you can always speak to a therapist or contact me if you have the money or inclination. I’m using the word therapist in a looser manner than it’s commonly applied. If you have what you perceive to be a personal finance problem, I’d suggest using as your therapist a fee-only financial planner (one who charges by the hour rather than taking a commission on sales) with whom you feel some rapport. If you perceive your problem to be business related, I’d look for a small-business consultant to be your therapist, finding one through the chamber of commerce, the nearest SBA office, your state’s small-business development center, the local office of the Service Corps of

Retired Executives (SCORE), or your trade association. If you perceive you have a career problem, you can ask your professional team if they can recommend any career counselors to serve as your therapist. If they don’t know of any candidates, contact the career and placement offices at the largest local college and ask for names.

Second, if you have the time you could also start writing about your problems in a journal. Writing about issues often provides sufficient distance to see things clearly. Take out a legal pad or notebook and begin describing your situation. Write down your fears and worries, as well as your goals and dreams. Describe what you think will happen if you fail and what you believe will happen if you succeed. Then, put the pad or notebook away for at least twenty-four hours. After a day’s reflection, read what you’d written. Does it make sense? Do your fears accurately reflect reality, or are they exaggerated? Viewed objectively, on the page, does it seem that you’re focusing on the right problem?

It’s obvious I don’t think it’s always necessary to speak with a therapist or someone like me. And, unless you have a rare gift for self-analysis, even months of journal writing might not lead to a breakthrough. That’s why I think the third technique is the best way for you to uncover your true problems: find yourself some problem mentors. Actually, you probably already have them, and you simply need to start using them more often.

Don’t you ask your spouse or a sibling for advice on dealing with your mother? Haven’t you gone to a friend for suggestions on a problem you’re having with your wife or husband? “When you were thinking about buying a home, didn’t you ask your parents for their opinions? Do you have a group of coworkers you rely on for help in navigating office politics? Are you often calling your mentors for suggestions about career directions? Before you make business decisions do you speak with your partner, lawyer, accountant, or your friend who runs a similar operation?

Obviously the answer to all these questions is yes. We each have an entire network of people we go to for help with our personal and business problems. Generally, however, we only turn to them for help in making decisions. My suggestion is that you turn to your network of problem mentors much earlier. Rather than asking them for opinions on how to solve your problem, ask them for opinions on what really is your problem. And listen closely. They are invariably right.

Problem mentors can uncover true problems so effectively because they have a fresh, unbiased perspective on your problem. Problem mentors can discriminate among your problems. None of your problems are right in front of them, so they’re not going to automatically lock onto whatever problem is most obvious. Since they’re not bringing the same emotional or psychological baggage to the issue as you are, they’re going to be able to tell whether a problem is real or imagined, important or minor. Since it’s your problem, not their own, their perceptions of your problem won’t be influenced by your patterns of behavior and thought.

The next time you feel you have a problem, turn to someone who knows you and whose opinion you trust. Tell her the facts. Explain what you’re feeling. And then ask her what she thinks your problem is. If she agrees with your analysis, that’s great. If she doesn’t, listen closely to what she says. She’s probably right. In either case you’ll have figured out your real no.

I need to offer one caveat, however. It can be a mistake to use your spouse or lover as a sounding board for problems with which he or she is also involved. Couples tend to naturally polarize. If one is a neat freak, the other will become a slob. If one is a spendthrift, the other will become a miser. If one is compulsively early, the other will become compulsively late. Obviously, this polarizing needn’t be as extreme as I’ve portrayed it, nor does it need to be consistent (the neat freak in the house could be the slob in the car). Still, it happens to nearly every couple. This can cause difficulties in problem solving. Your partner might not be able to overcome his or her natural tendency toward balancing you and be able to give you an unbiased analysis. That’s why it makes sense for your mate to be one of your business problem mentors, but perhaps not one of your personal problem mentors.