Business Blog 2.0

To turn any rejection around you first need to uncover what led to the no. In a few instances, such as rejections from lending institutions, the law requires that you be given a specific reason. In most other cases you can find out what was behind the no simply by asking.

If you’re turned down for a raise, ask your superior why. If a customer won’t buy your product, ask her why. Frame the question as a search for self-improvement, not as an accusation. Don’t even hint at any efforts to turn the no around. Say that you’d be eternally grateful, and that it would be of terrific help in your future efforts, if they would tell you why they chose not to give you a raise, hire you, or buy your product. People who have reacted to facts presented will, after sensing your acceptance of their reaction, meet such a humble request by readily telling you the truth. Remember how effective humility was in establishing trust? Well, it’s just as powerful in ferreting out what is behind the no. Having turned you down once already they’ll be eager to readily comply with your request, if for no other reason than it will help assuage their guilt.

Even people who have responded with an emotional no, will, when prompted in this modest manner, give you a reason for their rejection. Of course, they probably won’t tell you the truth. It would be too embarrassing, or self-incriminating for someone to reveal the emotional basis behind a no. On some level, they know they’re being unjust (ethically or legally) in deciding a business issue emotionally. When prompted for a reason they will be forced to cover up their injustice by offering some factual reason. In effect, by asking for a reason you turn their emotional decision into a reaction to facts. Once they give you a factual reason for their no, they can never safely backtrack and claim it was an emotional decision. All they can do is keep coming up with other factual reasons. And no matter how many reasons they continue to come up with you’ve succeeded in turning their emotional no into a rational no.

By humbly asking why someone said no you’ll be given a reason. When you’re given a reason, or even multiple reasons, for the rejection, you’ve also been handed the key for turning it into an acceptance.

Every business person knows that in order to make a good impression, he or she must be well dressed and groomed. The same is true if you want to show you care and develop trust.

Generally, this is a defensive approach. Your appearance must at least match what the other party expects. If you don’t look the part, you’re signaling, intentionally or not, that you don’t care about industry norms. Iconoclasts may be interesting, but they don’t inspire trust. Of course, the specifics of your appearance depend on your industry and situation. A legal or financial professional or a corporate executive needs to be cloaked in a conservative business suit. Midlevel sales or marketing person or a creative professional can be a bit less staid. A younger sales or marketing person or creative individual is expected to be trendy. The key is to meet expectations. Show up in a three-piece suit for an interview to land a computer graphics assignment and you’ll raise eyebrows as high as if you showed up to meet a legal client wearing a pair of Dr. Martens.

There’s only one instance that I can recall of garb and hygiene actually being used as more than just a defensive measure. Andrew Douglas came to me for help in formulating a promotion request. A structural engineer working for a new automaker, Andrew had been stuck at the same career level for five years. Together we formulated a good plan and then prepared a powerful memo outlining Andrew’s case. Andrew was supremely confident . . . until he made his appointment to speak with his supervisor. Andrew called me in a tizzy. I asked what was wrong and he said that his meeting was set for Friday morning. I said I didn’t understand the problem. He explained that Fridays were dress-down days. Andrew felt like he was facing a catch-22. Dress formally, as he normally would for a business meeting of this importance, and he’d stick out like a sore thumb. Dress informally and his request might not be taken as seriously. After I calmed him down we came up with a solution. Andrew dressed formally but used his out-of-the-norm garb as an icebreaker at the meeting. He started by saying that even though it was a dress-down day he wanted to dress in a manner that reflected his respect and admiration for his superior and the company. At that point, his boss literally rose from his chair, shook Andrew’s hand, and thanked him.

A psychotherapist is trained to dig behind presenting problems by asking leading questions. I’ve learned to uncover the real no by looking at financial documents and asking pointed questions. But neither therapists nor I try to practice this technique on ourselves. How then can you uncover your own real problems? There are three ways.

First, you can always speak to a therapist or contact me if you have the money or inclination. I’m using the word therapist in a looser manner than it’s commonly applied. If you have what you perceive to be a personal finance problem, I’d suggest using as your therapist a fee-only financial planner (one who charges by the hour rather than taking a commission on sales) with whom you feel some rapport. If you perceive your problem to be business related, I’d look for a small-business consultant to be your therapist, finding one through the chamber of commerce, the nearest SBA office, your state’s small-business development center, the local office of the Service Corps of

Retired Executives (SCORE), or your trade association. If you perceive you have a career problem, you can ask your professional team if they can recommend any career counselors to serve as your therapist. If they don’t know of any candidates, contact the career and placement offices at the largest local college and ask for names.

Second, if you have the time you could also start writing about your problems in a journal. Writing about issues often provides sufficient distance to see things clearly. Take out a legal pad or notebook and begin describing your situation. Write down your fears and worries, as well as your goals and dreams. Describe what you think will happen if you fail and what you believe will happen if you succeed. Then, put the pad or notebook away for at least twenty-four hours. After a day’s reflection, read what you’d written. Does it make sense? Do your fears accurately reflect reality, or are they exaggerated? Viewed objectively, on the page, does it seem that you’re focusing on the right problem?

It’s obvious I don’t think it’s always necessary to speak with a therapist or someone like me. And, unless you have a rare gift for self-analysis, even months of journal writing might not lead to a breakthrough. That’s why I think the third technique is the best way for you to uncover your true problems: find yourself some problem mentors. Actually, you probably already have them, and you simply need to start using them more often.

Don’t you ask your spouse or a sibling for advice on dealing with your mother? Haven’t you gone to a friend for suggestions on a problem you’re having with your wife or husband? “When you were thinking about buying a home, didn’t you ask your parents for their opinions? Do you have a group of coworkers you rely on for help in navigating office politics? Are you often calling your mentors for suggestions about career directions? Before you make business decisions do you speak with your partner, lawyer, accountant, or your friend who runs a similar operation?

Obviously the answer to all these questions is yes. We each have an entire network of people we go to for help with our personal and business problems. Generally, however, we only turn to them for help in making decisions. My suggestion is that you turn to your network of problem mentors much earlier. Rather than asking them for opinions on how to solve your problem, ask them for opinions on what really is your problem. And listen closely. They are invariably right.

Problem mentors can uncover true problems so effectively because they have a fresh, unbiased perspective on your problem. Problem mentors can discriminate among your problems. None of your problems are right in front of them, so they’re not going to automatically lock onto whatever problem is most obvious. Since they’re not bringing the same emotional or psychological baggage to the issue as you are, they’re going to be able to tell whether a problem is real or imagined, important or minor. Since it’s your problem, not their own, their perceptions of your problem won’t be influenced by your patterns of behavior and thought.

The next time you feel you have a problem, turn to someone who knows you and whose opinion you trust. Tell her the facts. Explain what you’re feeling. And then ask her what she thinks your problem is. If she agrees with your analysis, that’s great. If she doesn’t, listen closely to what she says. She’s probably right. In either case you’ll have figured out your real no.

I need to offer one caveat, however. It can be a mistake to use your spouse or lover as a sounding board for problems with which he or she is also involved. Couples tend to naturally polarize. If one is a neat freak, the other will become a slob. If one is a spendthrift, the other will become a miser. If one is compulsively early, the other will become compulsively late. Obviously, this polarizing needn’t be as extreme as I’ve portrayed it, nor does it need to be consistent (the neat freak in the house could be the slob in the car). Still, it happens to nearly every couple. This can cause difficulties in problem solving. Your partner might not be able to overcome his or her natural tendency toward balancing you and be able to give you an unbiased analysis. That’s why it makes sense for your mate to be one of your business problem mentors, but perhaps not one of your personal problem mentors.

There are three ways you can become an expert and, in the process, help overcome your business problems. Each has its advantages and disadvantages.

The first way to become an expert is to receive some formal schooling or training. The advantage of this method of becoming an expert is that it provides you with an official endorsement: you’re getting a seal of approval. The disadvantage of pursuing such formal endorsement is that it’s time-consuming. In all honesty, such an approach is rarely used by my clients, since it takes such a long time. Most of my clients come to me “in extremis” and therefore can’t rely on a long-term educational program to help them turn a no into a yes. The handful of times I’ve encouraged a client to use this technique have been when I was consulting with a young person, just out of college, who was looking to develop a strategic career plan. For most of my clients, two months, let alone two years, is too long.

The second way to become an expert is through public research. This involves going to the library and looking through books and periodicals, doing searches of online databases, and gathering any other already public information you can. It’s truly incredible how much free intelligence you can gather on a specific person or a company simply by consulting the public record. If you’re willing to pay for research, say by purchasing a report on a private company or individual from an organization like Dun & Bradstreet, you can obtain even more. The advantages of public research as a method of becoming an expert are that it’s quick and relatively easy to do. For the cost of an hour online and an hour of their time anyone who’s computer literate can come up with a great deal of information. The disadvantage of this approach is that it’s not likely to yield any surprising or unique information. Public research will let you become as much of an expert as anyone else . . . but not more. It’s a defensive technique: it insures you won’t be surprised. However, it’s not going to give you the information to spring any surprises of your own.

The third method of obtaining expertise is to conduct private research. This involves working the telephone and turning your personal network into an information network. Remember, no man (or woman) is an island: there are ways to reach everyone. And bear in mind that, even though it has become a clich, there really does seem to be only six degrees of separation between any two people. In other words, it may take you at least six telephone calls, but you should be able to get information on anyone by expanding your own network.

Let’s say you’re looking for information on that banker you’re asking for a line of credit. Private research would involve calling your accountant and attorney and asking if they or anyone they knew had any information on the banker. It would include putting out feelers at the chamber of commerce and Kiwanis Club meetings, asking if anyone had relevant information, or if they could steer you to other sources of information. The advantage of private research is that it can provide you with unique and possibly very valuable information.

The disadvantage is that it’s not easy to do and can be time-consuming. Private research works wonders when it comes to one-on-one negotiations or problems that seem to defy logic. It’s an aggressive technique that can provide you with the key to make a personal connection or to solve a stubborn puzzle.